The Northside Sun investigative team, after months of research, has unearthed a series of events that could have impacted Christmas in the Jackson area. Fortunately, thanks to sophisticated elf North Pole action, the crisis has passed.
Months ago, Jackson Mayor Takewe Lamoolah embarked on a plan to fire Santa and his reindeer and hire a new contractor to deliver toys at Christmas.
The new company, Steve’s Christmas Alternative Modern Method of Evening Delivery (SCAMMED) has been serving the Bronx area for years as a joint venture of the Genovese and Gambino families.
Mayor Lamoolah met SCAMMED representatives at the International Conference to Radicalize Cities (and Get Rich Doing It!).
Lamoolah pitched the deal to the Jackson City Council, claiming that Santa was “getting a little long in the tooth” and SCAMMED could do a far better job delivering toys to the Jackson area on Christmas Eve.
Sources at the meeting reported that Lamoolah was unhappy with Santa’s distribution strategy, especially as it related to the mayor’s asset portfolio.
In addition, the mayor said SCAMMED had incorporated the use of AI to figure out what toys all the boys and girls needed in advance. “This will save a lot of time and effort writing letters to the North Pole and sitting on Santa’s lap and telling him what you want for Christmas,” Lamoolah said.
In particular, SCAMMED has a much more fair and progressive naughty list that Lamoolah said is “far and away better than Santa.”
The City Council smelled a rat. Council president Shelby Foote, who was in the middle of his 34th book on the Civil War, was particularly worried.
“I knew something wasn't quite right,” Foote told the Sun. “So I contacted the State Auditor, Tad Bright, to investigate."
“I thought auditor Bright would bring in the feds, but he assured me the Hinds County District Attorney, Nobee Nowens, would get to the bottom of this quickly."
DA Nowens jumped on the case and reported back to a secret City Council. Nowens’ report stated:
“We never give them the asking price. I buy (ho ho hoes), I buy cars, I buy cows, I buy drugs, whatever. My point is, like they need 50, you get 30. He gets installments. That's my game. Some people will overpay and say I'm the guy who needs more and some people will choose who to pay. He wants 50? We'll give him 30...15 this year and 15 next year.”
After the report, two of the City Council members went into “executive session” and decided to recommend SCAMMED for the delivery job.
“Quite frankly, I was shocked,” Foote later told the Sun. “None of this made good public policy sense.”
After the meeting, Foote tracked down DA Nowens and asked him to explain his decision. According to Foote, Nowens responded by saying, “I don't give a (expletive) where the money comes from. It can come from blood diamonds in Africa, I don’t give a (double expletive). I'm a whole DA. (Expletive) that (expletive). My job, as I understand it, with a little paperwork, is to get this deal done, and get it done most effectively .... We can take dope boy money, I don’t give a (expletive). But I need to clean it and spread it. I can do it in here. That's why we have businesses. To clean the money. Right? I don’t give a (expletive). You give us cash, we deposit it and give it back that way. That's easy.”
The Sun later discovered that representatives of the SCAMMED organization took Foote to lunch at the Petroleum Club overlooking Jackson. SCAMMED representatives asked Foote “what do we need to do to make this happen?”
Foote told him: “Well, first you need to submit a proposal to the city planning commission. Then there’s a waiting period for 30 days followed by a public meeting for comments. Then the planning commission can make a recommendation to put the item on the agenda of a City Council meeting.”
“It was the strangest thing, Foote said, “They just got up and left without paying the bill. They weren’t the least bit interested in the workings of the city government.”
Foote later confronted Mayor Takewe Lamoolah and DA Nobee Nowens at the DA’s downtown cigar shop.
On a positive note, Foote said, “Whatever criticism you may have about the DA, he has one fine cigar shop. What a businessman! He’s selling those cigars for $10,000 a pop and they’re flying out of the humidors.”
Foote tried to warn the Mayor and DA that the SCAMMED deal didn’t have the support of a majority of the City Council. Foote warned them that he had heard the FBI may be investigating some shady dealings.
“They started laughing so hard, they started choking on their cigar smoke," Foote said. “Unfortunately, they were both in a hurry to catch a private jet down to Miami where they had some important city business to discuss on a yacht. So we didn’t really get into the meat of the issue.”
Sun investigators discovered that the boat was actually registered to a corporation in the North Pole. Santa’s elves had tricked the yacht out with all the latest recording devices.
The Sun contacted Santa busy at work in the North Pole for a comment. Santa said, “Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas. We recorded enough foul language to keep the Mayor and DA on the naughty list for the rest of their lives. Once they realized this, they cracked and Santa is now back on as the official distributor of toys for Christmas in the City of Jackson.”
So there you have it Northside Sun readers — an in-depth report on all the complex machinations that make up a happy Christmas for all the boys and girls.
All's well that ends well. It’s going to be a very merry Christmas this year.
