Why I opened the email I don't know. A request for progressive campaign money. They know no donation is forthcoming. Closed it quickly, but I felt funny. Something in that woman’s eyes.
Played tennis after work and had a nice dinner. Went to bed early. Read for a while and dozed off. Woke up with a little muscle twitch. Must have been the exercise.
As the weeks pass, the demise of America accelerates. My vote goes to a constitutional candidate. The twitching gets worse. I am now having multiple twitches. Is it related to my exercise regime?
Finally, the full body twitch occurs. A full body twitch comes from the hips, the most powerful part of your body. Ever been knocked aside on the dance floor when someone hips you?
How does a full body twitch happen? For me, it first started from a position face down on the bed. My body is completely relaxed, and I am on the verge of dozing off. Suddenly, my hips thrust my body into the air while moving violently from side to side. In a fraction of a second the twisting hips snap vertebrae three times - left, right, left. My new affliction is uncontrollable. The dogs awake. I eventually went to sleep.
The full body twitch becomes entrenched. Instead of from a face down position, it now triggers when I am on my back as well. Physical and mental deterioration occurs at a fast pace. It is clear that my twitching is not normal. I present the case for medical review. The doctor says he has never heard of such. Am I serious, he says, with the hint of a smile? By the way, he suggests, maybe meds will relieve the pain? I inform him that there is no pain. I talk to several other docs, including specialists. Nobody knows anything. Reminds me of the time I had self-induced frostbite (iced my foot sprain too long). No doctor in the south had ever seen frostbite in the flesh. Therefore, I didn’t trust just one diagnosis. Afraid my foot might fall off.
If medicine hadn’t ever heard of such twitches, maybe the New England Journal of Medicine would be interested. Why not write this up? No takers, since the medical profession obviously believes that they are dealing with a potential early-stage dementia case. Some of these guys were in on the frostbite affair.
I am a scientist of sorts. Science is applied. Back to the beginning. I survey my activities. Nothing has really changed except for that odd email. Why would a robo email not of my persuasion waste time asking me for money? This called for an experiment. Conservative activities are cut back. After a couple of weeks, the full body twitches start to subside. I visit progressive websites and read the New York Times, the Washington Post, even the Guardian. I listen to NPR and watch public TV documentaries. I read glowing reviews of the progressive State of the Union speech by the USA Communist Party (look it up). Breitbart funding is dropped. I discovered that the Clintons, Bidens and Obamas are adorable people. Progressives offer a proven, superior omelet. I am consumed by the experiment. Conservatism is repudiated. The twitches are noticeably reduced, but they won’t stop. A key catalyst is missing.
Follow-up progressive emails arrive. My fingers lose control. The more money I donate, the more twitch relief. Finally, the AOC donation goes out. My eyes dilate as I hit the donation button. It’s a miracle! I’m a full-blown, twitch-less progressive.
Christopher Garbacz lives in Madison County.
