Catholic CharitiesBy STACY PAJAK,
Life and humanity is a puzzle, a puzzle in which we spend a lifetime finding missing pieces and learning where the pieces fit together in order to make us feel complete. I was missing a glaring piece of my puzzle, the motherhood piece. This is my story of completing the puzzle of motherhood.
An open letter of my family’s Adoption Journey
One of my earliest memories is playing ‘house’ for hours and feeling perfectly content taking care of all my ‘babies’. Through my early years, I daydreamed often about my future life. I saw myself married, with a rewarding career, a ‘houseful of children’, a solid relationship with Jesus, and happy. I saw myself happy, content. I always knew I was going to be a mother. I will never forget the day I was told I had a one percent chance of carrying a baby past the first trimester. I had more miscarriages than I wish to remember. Even though my empathetic husband told me that he did not “blame me” in any way, I internalized shame that I could not make him a father and we would not have the house full of children we both dreamed of.
I will never forget the day we were in church, and I once again was begging God to help me understand how He could place ‘motherhood’ in my soul, and then not fulfill it. I felt abandoned. I wanted Him to explain this to me, and then I felt guilt for not ‘being faithful’ and questioning my pain.
An announcement was made at the end of the service, that we had a guest speaker on behalf of children and orphans, who were in need of a family.
The next day I called Catholic Charities Adoption and requested an informational meeting for this newfound passion placed in our hearts. My husband and I met with the staff, Stacy and Monica. We both felt such a connection, and knew we were where we were supposed to be. Shortly after, we got started with the home study process. Stacy and Monica took their time in explaining specific details to every aspect of this tedious process. One thing is for sure, adoption is turbulent. It is turbulent prior to even getting to the decision of adoption, and then it remains turbulent. It is turbulent due to the many emotions that are uncovered and rawly exposed. It is turbulent because you have very little control over your future dream of a family. It. Is. Turbulent. It is imperative that you work with an agency/staff who grasps this ‘turbulent feeling’, and that you feel secure to be ‘messy transparent’. To me, that came with healing and moving into our new path. Stacy and Monica had a complete understanding of our adoption goal. We are extremely thankful that they knew when we could sail along and when we needed a moment to ‘refuel’.
I will never forget this day, almost three years after the moment I had in church about the piece of our family that we were yearning for and that was missing, our daughter, was placed in our arms. I will never forget how at the time during my grief and those dark, dark, dark days, the piece I was unaware of was waiting on us.
Catholic Charities Adoption devotes time, energy, resources, and most of all, love in helping families find the missing piece to their puzzle. Since 1963 Catholic Charities has successfully united over 1000 families through adoption. Help us fulfill our purpose in creating loving families and giving children hope.