Here it is the end of January, and I’m only now finding time to make those annoying resolutions. I shouldn’t call them annoying, because a national business magazine says that 60 percent of Americans indulge in this fantasy each year.
The same magazine claims that only 8 percent of us make good on our resolutions, a batting average of .080. Or 0.133, depending upon how you figure it. Another magazine gives the success level as 2 percent, but it’s a men’s magazine and may be using this figure as ammunition for some gender-based conspiracy.
The accuracy or motivation behind these numbers aside, they are depressing; pay no attention to them. Pay attention to me (the goal of every columnist) and to my resolutions (really good commentators avoid New Year’s Resolution columns, but I am pandering to the 60 percent).
My first resolution, one of 15 that I swear to keep, is to stop procrastinating. That way, I won’t have to explain why my New Year’s resolutions column shows up in February.
Number Two: I will stop watching the Investigation Discovery Channel. This will permit me to patronize convenience stores, strip malls and dark bars with pool tables without fearing that I’m going to be gunned down at the jukebox.
Number Three: I won’t go to Colorado Springs. Dedicated watchers of Lieutenant Kenda of the CSPD (yes, yes, he’s on the ID Channel) know that this is the most crime-ridden city on earth. It’s so littered with murder victims that Congress may move the Air Force Academy to North Dakota.
Number Four: I will not utter tiresome comments when writers and television personalities misuse the words epitome, hopefully and transpire. And I will silently applaud when they use these words correctly.
Number Five: I intend to quit sniping at generations, now numbering at least two, that think tattoos are the greatest things since Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.
Number Six: I will not make fun of any person who thinks Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is the niftiest thing since tattoos.
Number Seven: I will stop plinking at tattoos altogether. If someone wants to look like a Salvador Dali painting when he or she reaches 60, who am I to protest? I just won’t go to the pool.
Number Eight: I pledge to organize, clean and otherwise bring order to my desk. This goal borders on being timeless. I say that because I’ve made that desk resolution for 60 years—with time out for military service when they didn’t issue me one.
Number Nine: I resolve to tell at least one young video-game player the story of baseball, a game with nine-inning games and nine-player teams. Baseball was once called our national pastime. That no longer obtains, but I can tell the child that baseball is still played. By multi-millionaire 0.250 hitters in front of large crowds of folks eating $10 hot dogs and drinking $7 beers.
Number Ten: I will continue to ignore my word processor—and the occasional editor—when either suggests that I eschew sentence fragments. And obscure words such as “eschew,” a word that, when spoken, moves people to say, “Gesundheit!”
Number Eleven: I resolve to eat plenty of unsalted green vegetables, get eight hours of sleep each night, exercise regularly and on alternate Wednesdays flap my arms and fly up to Tupelo.
Number Twelve: Just for fun, I will learn the words to “The Twelve Days of Christmas,” but I promise not to sing them in public.
Number Thirteen: I resolve to continue being a lucky man. There’s no reason to suspect that this resolution won’t be successful because it does not, and never did, require assistance from me.
Number Fourteen: I promise to continue writing overdue letters of thanks to people who helped me during my lifetime. If you haven’t received one of these, maybe you need to think about ways to do something for me.
Number Fifteen: I will vote in every election, even those dull “special” ones. I like this resolution because it means I get one of those “I voted!” stickers to wear until I remember to take it off.
In conclusion, I intend to make a minimum of fifteen15 resolutions for 2020. This will allow me to write a column around about early December headed, “My Top Ten New Year’s Resolutions.” If I get organized, quit procrastinating and resist watching too much of the ID Channel.
William Jeanes is a Northsider.
